“The only corner of the world you can change is your own“, my yoga teacher, Sarah, said these words to me- and bizarrely, I dated the quote 3/13. Oddly, that date hasn’t arrived yet, and I held on to it when I can’t explain why today. Regardless, she has been my healer for over 10 years- not knowing her wise words would do the trick and/or how often I call up words she said to me years ago during a Sunday morning practice.
Even if I haven’t had the energy to be back in her studio in some time, I go back to the mat in my living room even just to sit, when my body can’t do more than simple asanas and sometimes just breathe, because even that is some form of healing and brings calm in a most needed moment.
I am one week from returning to work and strangely my anxiety is incredibly high. I am terribly bored at home and sleep nearly 18 of 24 hours on a good day, so you’d think returning would be ideal. I really enjoy what I do, so that isn’t the issue either- in fact, I’ve missed some great successes with a talented team. Seems like I should be thrilled to return, and yet, I’m wondering if the reality of returning to an every day cycle of life without the mess of my life swirling so close to me and “out there” is what has me anxious today. Is it that folks will expect normalcy when I don’t know what normal is anymore? Is it that I have to face the next phase head on with a more positive lingering of sickness?
Sure, I will do this silly junior mint cancer thing again in a year, but my intuition says I will get the A and finally a negative read and thankfully, the nightmare of this mess will be over. Is it that a wonderful man from my past wants a real relationship, and I’m terrified of letting anyone down or being hurt myself ? That jealousy takes over, and I can’t find a way to manage this hurt that he didn’t create.
And my sweet girl….I’m humiliated at what I have put her through in the last few years. Am I teaching her anything with these sweet mistakes – meaning, vulnerability, humility, giving of my heart and believing in people, or am I hurting her when I can’t get it right and so many others do? (ok, that alone is its own blog post with a divorce rate so high and more people concerned about my junior mint experience than the loss of a marriage)
I have been reading this great book, “A Wild New World” by Martha Beck. She talks about being a wayfinder, a healer. What she doesn’t say is in direct correlation with my wise yogi teacher and wayfinder, Sarah, “the only corner of the world you can change is your own”. She speaks of feeling from within, going into wordlessness and using the power of energy to feed and feel others interconnectedness, others “oneness” (ironically, a previous blog post- are we all interconnected after all?). Folks who are highly creative, emotional and often gregarious on the outside but have a deep need for quiet on the inside are often part of this “Team” as she refers to this membership of sorts. What I love is where it takes me- somewhere outside of my own life, somewhere possible to make change.
So Sarah through me to Ms. Beck herself are now interconnected, as “the only corner of the world we can change is our own.” We simply each find our own way to change our corner. I, however, am still searching.
Cheers to deep breathing, closing our eyes and feeling our insides sing and love that exists, even when we don’t feel so lovable.
I am blessed. Just have trouble seeing it sometimes. I suspect I am not alone.