The abstract beauty of loving and being loved.
The word itself is abstract. Loving self, partner, friendship, parents and parenting. It is a simple smile in a crowded airport – just a second and a strong heartbeat. A friend in your life you’ve known for years who suddenly takes your breath away. A walk on a pier that makes you believe you can do anything. A look across a crowded fraternity party or middle school class room. The way you laugh together so hard you cry and can’t catch your breath. It is comfort in silence. A hand on your heart just because. It is staying when sickness rears itself. It is calling for a ride because driving would be unsafe. It is reading in bed, holding hands, riding the Ferris wheel, rallying each other, and sharing popcorn at the movies.
Why does loving someone happen across distance, setting us up for the unavailable by geography….and not due to wanting to love and be loved in return? Do we make the choice out of protection for our own hearts, or is a higher power in fact connecting dots we don’t understand.
Why does it hurt to be left, even when we know they will return?
I hear folks say, “it shouldn’t be this hard”…”if this was real, you wouldn’t treat me this way”….but in some ways, it is the loving someone so deeply that changes our behavior. We want this abstract “love” so much, we become something that isn’t rational. It hurts, and we can’t understand nor wish it away.
Sure, codependency is a term of truth and mental health, but it must feed from somewhere. The seed occurs because of unclear and unexplainable connection – unhealthy or not. And it doesn’t happen with the neighbor next door, or the guy at the gym or in the next office space, so why at all?
It’s heat and kindness, timing and awareness, open and closed, broken and wonderful, light and dark.
And always abstract. We are human.
We believe because it is both wonderful and painful. Both make us feel real and alive. But the same exact emotional up and downs break our hearts with a fierceness that can’t be explained, as it too is abstract. Irony? No.
Want, lust, loneliness, companionship, silliness, sharing, kindness, venting, fear, touch. All things that make us real. All things that make us human.
They say we don’t often know what we had until it is gone. But perhaps it is even bigger in theory – more abstract and complex than simply looking backwards…….is it more real to fully face ourselves and admit we don’t even know we have loved until we don’t?
…OR WE DO, and we miss the present and abstract beauty by seeing through, around, sideways, and in front of us as we hold its gift in our hand.
The abstract and unexplainable beauty of loving and being loved.